My ultimate desire, regarding my health, is and always has been to be “normal”, and I have always considered normal to mean healthy. Normality is adhering to conformity, being common or being regular. The longer I have spent abnormal and unhealthy, the more distant and intangible this concept has become. It is astonishing how hastily one can forget how “normal” sensations are perceived. I now yearn to be reminded of what degree of discomfort is usually felt in everyday positions such as sitting, standing and lying. If a healthy person concentrates on their calf muscle, can they discern pulls or tugs? Is a certain level of irritation or pain completely natural? These questions have led to a fear, which was buried deep within my core, erupting to the surface of my consciousness. This fear is that I have become so acutely aware of any remotely nociceptive response in my body, that when I am again “normal”, i.e. approximately average, in terms of my health, I may not even recognise it.
It is in some way ironic that my greatest wish, in terms of my health, is to be normal, whereas in other areas of my life being described as normal would be considered an insult of brobdingnagian dimensions. I think every individual strives for an aspect of their being to be recognised, at least by somebody, as distinctly remarkable or special and far from common or regular. I do hope that my remarkable characteristic will be something metaphysical rather than physical.